Climate Change May Slow Intellectual Development🤣🤣🤣
Another brand-new, never-before-imagined climate disaster magically appears
Look, I know we’re supposed to be terrified. Every day there’s a new headline screaming that climate change is going to melt our brains, eat our crops, and probably steal our Netflix passwords. But forgive me if I’m not sprinting to the bunker just because summer was hot… again. Shocking development: summer is warm. Next you’ll tell me winter is chilly and water still comes in “wet.”
We’re now told climate change might slow intellectual development. Sure. Because the real threat to kids’ brainpower definitely isn’t eight hours of TikTok per day, or classrooms lit by the dim glow of YouTube influencers. Nope — it’s the sun. That sneaky fireball.
And every time someone says “the science is settled,” another brand-new, never-before-imagined climate disaster magically appears. Yesterday it was rising seas. Today it’s shrinking attention spans. Tomorrow it’ll be climate-induced sock loss in dryers. Beware the Laundry Cycle Apocalypse.
Of course, no climate sermon is complete without the sacred commandment:
Thou shalt feel guilty for everything.
Drive a car? Shame. Eat a burger? Shame. Exist? Mega shame. Meanwhile the people preaching this are flying to conferences in private jets big enough to house a mid-sized suburban cul-de-sac.
And isn’t it strange how the solution to every climate disaster is always the same? Give someone money. Usually someone wearing a Patagonia vest and speaking in TED Talk cadence. Funny how that works.
But the best part? We’ve decided that questioning any of this makes you a medieval heretic who must be metaphorically burned at the stake (using clean, renewable biomass, of course). Say “I’m not sure that heat waves are turning children into slow-motion zombies,” and suddenly you’re a monster destroying the planet with a single exhalation of carbon dioxide.
I’m sorry, but if the future of human intelligence truly hinges on whether Timmy’s classroom has central air, maybe climate change is the least of our worries.